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Water Tower/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: And now it's time for the man who is known to millions as my uncle, the rustic star of "the red green show" -- oh! There's a big hit there, that one -- and a heck of a human being, considering all he's been through in his life, with the car accidents. Anyway, he's -- ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, old people and siamese twins -- I think I pretty much got everybody there -- please welcome red green! Thank you very much, harold, and, uh, thank you for tuning us in. We've got a heck of a show for you this week. Uh, well, actually, it's probably within 5% or 10% of last week's show, but we certainly appreciate your patience. We, uh, got a heck of a set, too, up at the lodge this week. You gonna interrupt me? Sorry. Sorry, uncle red? I was ju-- I was just making mental crossword puzzles. W-what's a three-letter word for shoehorn? H-he usually interrupts me. Okay, anyhow, uh, the water pump broke down at the lodge, and none of us wanted to go under the lodge and fix it, so stinky peterson got the idea we should -- we should build a water tower, you know, and not just a water tower on the roof, but maybe up into the trees, on the ridge, so we can, you know, really get a lot of, uh, a lot of power and juice and a lot of torque and pull and -- come on over here a minute, harold. I'm sorry, but harold, he usually interrupts my stories and throws me right off, and he's got this machine here... [ keyboard clacking ] ...And it does like that kind of thing and takes us into the next segment and then just -- that really throws me off. Well, not today, uncle red. Today I'm just your director and your nephew. I promise I'm not gonna interrupt you. I'm not gonna bother you. I'm not gonna break the flow from any part of you. I'm not gonna bring up film clips. Nothing. Wa-a-a-a! Just be standing here quietly. Only if things get really, really boring would I ever touch these buttons. Oh, thank you, harold. I appreciate that. You're welcome. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ late in the evening when the fire's almost out ♪ ♪ the boys start comparing, and you know what that's about ♪ ♪ who's bigger and who's stronger ♪ ♪ and on and on it goes ♪ ♪ to the biggest test of all -- who has the oldest clothes ♪ ♪ who has the oldest clothes? ♪ ♪ who has the oldest clothes? ♪ ♪ can't tell with your eyes, you can always use your nose ♪ ♪ stinky has a pair of socks older than his son ♪ ♪ buster has a vest he says he got ♪ ♪ from the grave of attila the hun ♪ ♪ when people see our wardrobe, they often wonder why ♪ ♪ it's not that we like old clothes so much ♪ ♪ it's just that we prefer wearing things ♪ ♪ that our wives didn't buy ♪ this week on "handyman corner," I'm gonna show you something that you can do with your old car. You know, this is an old car, but, uh, there's still something about it that gets my heart pounding. I think it's the lack of brakes. You know, uh, we all got to go sometime, and -- and frankly, I'd rather -- I'd rather go with some kind of a head-on into the guardrail rather than spend my declining years in a retirement home or something. I don't know how I got off on that. You know, that's the trouble. I get started, and then I go off on a crazy analogy. And that's the way I am with the car, too. I got the car, and I just can't leave well enough alone with it. And what I wanted to do today was, uh, I wanted to turn this door and the other door into the gull wing. You know the gull wing-door type of style, which they had on the old mercedes, I believe, and the bricklin had the gull wing, and I think -- I believe gulls have them. Not sure on that one. Anyway, first thing you got to do is, uh, you got to remove the door, which is not as easy as it sounds. Uh, all right. Well, what I've done here is I've, uh, poked a little hole in the -- in the roof, but, uh, I'm gonna need that for later, so that's actually a time-saver. Okay. By golly, this is really on there. Uh, there is a better way. [ engine turns over ] okay, where there's a van, there's a way. Now all I got to do is get this unit up here, put her on here. Now, what I... What I have to do is create a hinge now, uh, through our -- through our pre-drilled hole. And I'm gonna use the handyman secret weapon -- duct tape. And you want to put on, uh, two or three layers of duct tape on this, uh, just so you're street legal. You know, you don't want the cops pulling you over. And, uh, you want it secure there, 'cause there's nothing more inconvenient than having to pull off the highway and go back and get your door. Anyway, I think that's, uh, pretty secure there. We got enough tape for the other door, so, uh, now I got to go and hook up the mechanism that will actually open the gull wing door. Getting exciting, isn't it? Now, there you have it. If that doesn't scream "italian," then, uh, you're not listening. Uh, what I done was I got a garage-door opener there, and I got it from my neighbor's place while they were out. And I ran the chain from the door opener -- it's mounted on the seat -- I ran the chain up through and hooked her onto the door, and the duct tape here will just hold her, and then I got the wireless remote for the garage-door opener. I walk up to my car, and I just feel like marcello mastro-- mastru-- like the -- you know. Uh, so anyway, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Let's give our gull wing door a shot. [ motor whirring ] [ metal screeching ] we'll be right back with, uh, more features and more from our regular guests. And wait till you hear the ending of the water-tower story. Oh, we may not have time. Oh, I'm the director. You'll find time. "it is autumn. "the squirrel is fat for the coming winter. "the bears are plump as they ready for hibernation. "the muskrat, the porcupine, the raccoon are roly-poly "to see them through their long winter sleep. What's your excuse?" so, uh, anyway, we were getting into this -- building this water-tower thing, and we didn't want to make it out of wood or metal. We thought we'd just get a gigantic plastic bag and then string it between some of the trees, and then it would funnel the water down to the lodge. And, uh, of course, the problem is -- where are you gonna find a plastic bag 90 feet by 90 feet that'll hold 15 tons of water without ripping? Now, luckily, moose thompson had one in his van. You're gonna interrupt me, aren't you? No. I want the people to hear this story, uncle red. No, you don't. Yes, I do. I really do. Honest injuns. Stamp on it. Cherry on top. Superman says so. On a stack of bibles. You think the story is stupid. You think what we did was stupid. That's true. Then why do you want me to tell the story? Well -- well, to be honest with you, I've been getting a lot of negative feedback from our viewers. Well, okay, mostly from men from around here, but they all say, "how come -- "how come you always interrupt red's stories when he's telling a story? How come you do that?" and I'll say, "well, uh, because. That's why." and they say, "well, let him finish one one time, see if it's good." I figure, o-o-okay. You finish one of your stories. And then people will know why I interrupt you. You go ahead. You go ahead. You tell one of your stories about what you and your friends did. Go ahead. Right in there. Tell them. [ laughs ] what? I didn't throw it. Uh, I didn't even see it. It was still rolling. What are you talking about? Raccoons. All over the place. Uh, what can I do for you, red? You want to play through? Is that it? Oh, no, uh, bob, I cut down a tree, uh, at the lodge, and harold says the government's gonna, you know, audit me, rip out my fingernails or send me to prison or something. And I thought since you're with the natural resources people and you're a lodge member, maybe you could kind of straighten things out for me. Well, that's okay. Sure, red. I'll do that. Except I'm working right now. Oh. Yeah, t-this is government work. Really? Oh, yeah. I'm, uh, I'm marking trees. Oh, really? Yeah, you see that tree over there? See that little mark on there? See that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I did that. Oh. That takes a lot of time and concentration. Yeah. I find golf helps me with that. Oh. Yeah. Now, the tree I cut, it was a beech tree, bob, and I swear it was no more than 6 inches in diameter, and it come down real easy, you know, so... Mm-hmm. Well, I wouldn't worry about it. Oh. No, you know, the government, they're not too concerned with one tree. Oh. It's not like you, uh, flattened a whole forest. You didn't do that, did you, flatten a whole forest? No. Well, there you go. [ chuckles ] see, that's the secret -- moderation. All right. It's much like golf. Well, I-I play about, oh, four or five rounds of golf a week. Really? Well, maybe -- maybe about eight or nine rounds of golf a week. But, you know, if I don't watch it, I could play as much golf as I wanted, and it could become a real problem. Sure. Oh, yeah. Or is it 10 or 12 rounds? Well, I don't know. I don't keep count. Fore! Oh! [ water splashes ] damn! Head down! That's the whole thing, you know. Head down! This thing down! It's all part of the game, you know. Went right into the -- right into the water there. Did you see that? Oh. Yeah. Geez. Is that good? No. No, that's not good. Well, it's good for the balls. They wash them off. But, uh, it's head down. That's the whole thing, you know? Got to keep your head down. It's important. Got to do some government work. Oh. I'm sorry about that. No, it's all right. Head down. Are you all right, bob? Hmm? You all right? Oh, I'm fine! No problem. Head down. Seems a little bit upset there. No, are you kidding? No. Head down. Bob. Head down! Bob. Head down! Bob. Head down! Bob. Head down! Bob. Head down! Bob. Head down! Bob. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ flies in the sugar bowl, two by two ♪ ♪ what an unusual thing to do ♪ ♪ not the flies, but the two by two ♪ ♪ you don't often see insects in formation ♪ [ laughs ] uncle red, we got some fun letters today. This one's great. This is from a viewer I think -- I think he's a real kidder, you know? More like a teaser. [ chuckles ] just read the letter, harold, all right? I was born ready. "dear red, are there any explosives "that can be made from a cake mix? "this is for a surprise party, "so please refer to me by the name 'ralph,' "rather than my real name, which is also ralf, but spelled with an 'f.'" well, harold, as the proctologist said to the jockey, "we're getting into a sensitive area here." I'm really kind of reluctant to, uh, talk about explosives on the air, you know. No, uncle red, I don't think the viewer meant it that way. He just wants an explosive effect from his cake, you know? Something that you just won't have to stir nitroglycerine in with his recipe. Something like that. At least, that's how I read it. Well, you know, okay, harold, but there are a lot of explosives that can be made with things you find right in your kitchen. Our kitchen or anybody's kitchen? No, I mean anybody's kitchen. Oh, yeah? I didn't know that. Oh, yeah, it's just a matter of, you know, mixing the various baking goods in a certain proportion. I've seen a bran muffin take out a whole septic system. Well, maybe we should answer this viewer by mail, 'cause we don't want this information getting into the wrong hands, you know, like a terrorist baker or something. Maybe what I should do is just, uh, invite him up here and get old man sedgwick to show him. Uh, he makes a birthday cake that blows out its own candles. Oh! That's great! Would he charge the viewer for that? I wouldn't imagine it would be too expensive or nothing. No. Might cost him a couple of eyebrows. That's not bad. [ film projector clicking ] red: Beautiful day up at the lodge, and, uh, bill and I thought we'd, uh, do a little fishing. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Anyway, bill had got a new one of these, uh, what they call a trolling motor. And it's just a small, little thing, uh, but, you know, uh, they're kind of fun, and they're ideal for trolling, which is why they're called a trolling motor, and bill turned it on, showed me how it worked, and, by golly, you know, they have a lot of torque to them. Aaah! A lot of power. Look out for that, bill. Look out, look out, look out! Oh! Well, he, uh, yeah, he got lucky there. He's okay. So, first thing he wanted to do was, uh, take off the outboard. You don't need that, 'cause believe it or not, that little trolling motor will do almost the same job. The cover's loose. Oh, well. That was when he stopped the boat anyhow. So, uh, bill hooks her on there, and he told me to bring him a half dozen or eight or nine fishing poles, and then he had these c-clamps, and he starts c-clamping the fishing poles to the side of the boat, and he had some -- not only duct tape, but he had the black duct tape, which is the big dollar. Went the big dollar on this. And, uh, he decided this is the best way to fish. He got basically, uh, 10, 11, 12 -- quite a few rods in the water. And now we're just going on the trolling motor. Well, let's see this. It's got the power to pull us along there. Beautiful day. Beautiful day. It was still a beautiful -- haven't caught anything yet. But, uh -- oh, wait, bill. Wait, bill! Bill, got one there. Bill, you got one. Got one, bill. And it started to -- hang on. This is the bad thing about having all the fishing rods. And I haven't -- honestly haven't noticed that he had -- what I should have done probably there was, I probably should have turned off the -- turned off the trolling motor or unclipped the battery, but, uh, it just didn't occur to me that the fish would be able to pull bill quite that hard, you know? Aah! But it did. Anyway, uh, he was okay. All of a sudden, he started getting pulled. Couldn't figure out what was going on, and then we realized that all the fish hooks had got him. So I just took out the prop out of the water, and that stopped the pulling, and he was okay. So we got over that emergency, and then unfortunately all the lines wound around the prop and started... And I thought he was gonna, you know, really -- so I tried to unhook, and he's gonna hit the prop, and it's in his face and worse, and then I got it off, and then he was fine, so I just had to cut the wire and let him go. Beautiful day. "it is summer. "nine nut balls race up the lake "on those noisy boats that look like snowmobiles. "what do they call them -- "sea mobiles, water sleds, surf skis? "what are they called? They need to know for the coroner's report." you're kidding me, aren't you, harold? Inflatable shoes? Yeah. They're called pumps. You got to -- you pump them up. They're like -- they're like sneakers or running shoes, you know. They're for people who like to play sports or, you know, just people who like to look like they play sports. You pump them up. They don't get real big or something, uncle red. They're not like air mattresses. They just ensure a proper, snug fit. Why don't you just buy the right size in the first place? Well, that's -- I don't know. You could -- well, see, you could do that, but where's the marketing scheme in that? You see, I mean, whereas with these, "the pump." it's just something new. It's just something new. That's all it is. And, you know, they cost twice as much as regular shoes. Twice as much?! Oh, yeah! How come? Well, you know, inflation. [ laughs ] we're gonna come right back and, uh, finish off the show with a lot of special stuff. So stay tuned. And stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of the water-tower story! I forget it. I don't. If any of you, uh, have any teenagers in the house, you might want to videotape this part so that you can erase it later. I'm gonna talk about what they call, uh, free love. Now, I'm not saying what's right and what's wrong, but, uh, golly, you know, it's a -- it's a bad thing. So, uh, all you teenage girls there in particular, whenever you get a request from a boy of the opposite sex along the free-love line, I'm asking you to just say no. That's only fair to those of us from an older generation who grew up when things were real uptight and celibate and celibacy and so on -- you weren't allowed to do anything. So we don't enjoy you being allowed to enjoy things that we weren't allowed to enjoy. It's just -- it's not enjoyable. I think just to say no in the interest of fo-- fair play. I know. I can't tell you what to do. All right, you do whatever you want to do, but I'll tell you one thing. Up at the lodge, our attitude towards free love is... [ clears throat ] ...You get what you pay for. Ohhh! Okay, it's just a game! It's just a game! Right, red? Is it a game?! Uh, yeah. Breathe deep. Breathe deep, bob, put down. Bob? Huh? Uh, so this, uh, the thing with the tree and the government, so I'm not gonna be in any kind of trouble there with the tree thing? Oh, right. No. No. You, uh, you play golf, red, or -- no, I'm -- I'm pretty relaxed already. Oh, yeah. Right. Well, you should try it. It's a great game. Yeah, well -- yes, sirree. Great game. I don't know if I'd be -- you know what? Why don't you take a shot? No, no. No, thank you. No. It's, uh, no, no. No, it's easy! Go on, take a shot. I got to get back to the lodge, you know, and the guys will be waiting. Take a shot. Yeah, all right. No problem. Just go ahead? Oh, yeah. Now you're having fun, huh? You having fun, buddy? Yeah. Good. Yeah, keep your head down. Fore! So, uh, I'm not in any trouble at all, then, eh? So, just -- I'm not gonna worry about it. I say harold's blowing smoke, and everything's gonna be just fine. Look at that! Would you look at that? Yeah. Your head was down. That was the whole key. Okay. I -- you know, red, I would love to play a few rounds of golf with you. Well, golf's not really my game, you know, bob. I don't think. Oh, it's not? I don't think so. No. Gee, that's too bad. So, tell me something, red. How old was that tree that you cut down? Didn't have a mark on it, did it? It was a mark for cutting? You didn't get, uh, you didn't get approval to -- well, you know, it's funny -- you're just talking there, and it suddenly occurred to me I think I could free up next Tuesday if you wanted to have a game of golf. Wonderful. Great. Well, we tee off at 6:30 in the morning and 1:00 in the afternoon. 6:30 and 1:00. Mm-hmm. Two rounds. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm gonna go rest up. All right, and I'm gonna get another club. I'll see you on Tuesday. On Tuesday! You bet! Don't worry. I've got lots of these clubs, lots of these babies. Enough for me? For both of us. All right. All right, see you then! Okay. Fabulous. [ chuckles ] fore! Ohh! Well, anyway, that just about does it for this, uh, this week. So, uh, if my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home tonight, and I'll warm my toes before I get into bed. And as for the rest of you, thanks so much for watching, and on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice. Uncle red, what about the water-tower story? Finish the water-tower story. Well, we don't have time for that this week, harold. Wa-a-a. You folks should have seen. It was great. They got this huge, black, giant plastic bag, right? And they put it up between two trees. You know what happened then? It started to rain. Just, like, it poured for, like, two or three days, right. And the bag fills up. And you know what? The trees started to bend like this. They were all hunched over worse than old man sedgwick. [ laughs ] and then you know what happened then -- nothing. No water was coming out the bottom or nothing like they had planned. You know why? Wa-a-a-a! They forgot to put a hose in it! Yeah. So stinky peterson -- he's the brains of the group, right -- he gets this idea. He figures, hey, let's throw a lawn dart at it! [ laughs ] now, for those of you who don't know the word "flood," this is what happened. We lost all the trees, four outbuildings, and 3 inches of topsoil. [ laughs ] see, uncle red, it was a good story.